I still can’t really believe I went through with it. After waiting at the clinic, at some point I was kind of numbed and just sort of felt like I was going through motions. I think that’s because I got so overwhelmed with this whole process. I went in not sure if I was definitely going to go through with it at all, wanted the ultrasound and to get more details from them about it, but also knew that coming right up on 9 weeks, if I wasn’t going to keep it I needed to make that decision quickly instead of continuing to drag it out. It was a lot of pressure because I didn’t feel sure of anything. Eventually though something of a I just have to do this and get it over with feeling took over. Not sure if that’s just because I was tired of being overwhemed with everything, the pressure got to me, or maybe I guess it was the part of me that was trying to be strong. Maybe it’s just what I needed to do to get through the proecss. I’ll try to keep this somewhat coherent and not get too off track trying to post about everything at once though. It’s been tough bringing myself to sit down and even write about it. Which is strange because I was strong going through it, and since it’s been done I I haven’t been nearly as emotional as I thought I might be.
There’s been a few moments here and there, but it was nothing compared to how I felt the night before, after I scared myself shitless and had a huge panic attack just from reading all types of things online about the different procedures. I went on a bit of a manic reading rampage after finally scheduling my appointment at the beginning of the week. The day before the appointment it really started hitting me, that I was actually planning to do it. I know this all sounds kind of crazy, but I’m sure plenty of other women going through it understand that feeling… when you’re just debating it and going back and forth until the last minute. At least that’s how I felt. At first I thought I was going to to do the medical/pill procedure - because my boyfriend kept strongly encouraging it. Anyway, more about all of that later.
I have plenty of practical reasons for why I thought this was the best choice right now, for both the child and for myself. Even still, that didn’t change the fact that part of me did want to continue my pregnancy, and I wanted to keep the child, I think I could be a good mom, and I also know that I could have made sacrifies in my own life to allow myself to have the baby. When I first found out I was pregnant, aside from being in complete shock, I know there was a part inside of me that was definitely excited. It was hard to show that part, because my boyfriend was completely the opposite. THIS is one thing that I would have changed if I could go back… I think I would have taken the test alone instead of gone with my boyfriend. That way I could have processed the news first before getting his reaction.
As much as I tried not to let it, I couldn’t seem to avoid letting his feelings and reactions influence my decision. That sounds worse than it is though, because it also helped me be realistic about what I was getting into. I’m grateful he was upfront with me so that I could realitisically gauge where he was at, instead of having him tell me he would be there for us when that would not have happened. And regardless of how he FELT about it, it was my feelings about him being the father that had a far greater impact on my decision. I will say, for the women out there that get pregnant while in bad relationships, and say I don’t care about anything but having this baby, I will do it on my own no matter what - I admire you and have a new found respect for the strength you show. I wanted to be that person, but my practical (and over analytical) nature in the end won over.
A few of my reasons for making this decision were:
- I am not financially able to support my own bills right now, and have WAY more going out every month than I have coming in. I am living FAR below the poverty level right now and would be bringing a child into that.
- The father made it very clear he would not be willing to get a job working for anyone else, and he would not be willing to work more than his current (extremely minimal) part time schedule because he has goals to produce music and its his top priority to spend all his time on that no matter what.
- The father said if I did decide to have the child, he would be extremely overbearing about any choices made about/for the child, as well as personal lifestyle choices of my own. Meaning that he would get to decide everything the child and I both could or couldn’t do, say, eat, etc. He has issues, to say the least. Not to mention this man is has been emotionally abusive throughout the relationship, and last year it finally got physically abusive when he choked the shit out of me. If we had a kid, that child may have been present for such a situation. I do not trust him, and I feel he is unstable. Additionally, I know based on when we have had his neice stay with us for the weekends - that I would be the one running around taking care of the kid while he sits on the computer and plays video games. It just wouldn’t have worked. I know I would be a single mother raising the child on my own, and that’s not what I really want for the child or for myself.
- One of the most disturbing things about being a single mother is the fact that… not only do I not have a financial support system that I can fall back for help, but in this unstable enconomy I can’t even guarantee that I will be able to keep a job so that I can provide shelter, food, and basic necessities for the child. Imagining the feeling of not being able to provide for my own baby is a very scary thought, and one that even just five years ago I would have not even considered. But it’s a reality for me right now, and things do not seem to be improving. Debt ceilings, banks failing, the real estate market and the stock market both in shambles… things just seem to be snowballing out of control… and it makes me scared to bring a child into this system that seems to just keep moving toward total collapse. Call me negative, but the possibilities it makes me think about for my child are really awful and scary.
- Starting my own business has been a goal of mine for as long as I can remember, and I’m finally doing what I love (even if I make jack shit) and my business has just finally started taking off the ground, and its true that when I considered this, it was one thing that I was willing to give up. It’s not ideal, I’d love to have a little more time and planning so I could keep my business and have enough support to let it be a benefit in motherhood and not a hinderence. I think that will be possible if I had a partner that was supportive, but right now I don’t. And I also felt that the rest of the stuff on this list outweighed this - but it still is something I did think about. I ran different child cost calculators and just tried to crunch numbers but couldn’t find a way to make it seem like this one sacrife would solve the rest of these problems.
- My boyfriends family has extreme mental illness going on - I won’t even get into all of that because its really extensive. It’s consistant enough with his parents, himself, and his four other siblings that the prospects really did scare me. And in fairness, I have PLENTTTTY of mental illness in my family too, it’s true - but that doesn’t mean I enjoy the idea of the additional benefactors of this potential genetic nightmare. That sounds cruel maybe, but I have to consider especially if this kid ends up being AROUND my bfs family too, at all, that he will inherit and develop some of these same traits - and the patterns between those siblings and the severity of the illnesses there are really extreme. Again, enough to concern me greatly.
- This past year has been the toughest one I have ever experienced, and I do feel that I am still in the recovery process from some very serious trauma (not only from the physical abuse a year ago, but some other heavy stuff too) -while this isn’t a really concrete REASON, its one of the feelings that influenced me. I would prefer to have this be at a time when I can be more ready, prepared, and properly focused.
That’s enough for now. Maybe I’ll continue the list more when I’m feeling more concise - lol. My bulletpoints all turned into run on paragraphs. But that’s because even now it’s an overwhelming idea for me. But the bottom line is I was not prepared, and I feel that I have a right to decide, as the woman who would not only be carrying the child but would be raising it for the next 18 years at least… that it’s not only fair, but responsible for me to exercise my choice to ensure I am prepared and to provide my child the life that it deserves. And theres so many strong people that MAKE IT WORK, no matter what. BUT there are also many people that try to make it work, and fail miserably - and the one that suffers is the child. Anyway, I’ve rambled long enough. I go into more detail about how I’m doing (just fine), the details from the procedure, and more about my internal processes through all of this. Bear with me folks, lol. I’m not that great at blogging, but this is more for me than anything.
